Thursday, December 9, 2010

stuck in the conscious

the most recent lesson on my spiritual journey centers around my uncanny ability to remain conscious. trance work and shamanic journeying really doesn't work for me. though i've spent time studying how to be committed to a stage character, become okay with being watched, public speaking, let go of inhibitions, etc., my brain is still rather afraid to let go of the conscious world. i suspect its afraid of the unknown feeling of being floating in the waters of the spiritual world. some days i feel like the kid who stopped his swim lesson because he was too afraid of the water to make his first jump off the diving board.

i've tried many times to just jump in. i've prepared in every way that the writers of such things have advised. but when i finally get down to doing it, my mind just sits there refusing to go. talking someone into jumping off a cliff isn't easy. all of the reassurance that their landing will be soft isn't going to dispel the fear their body feels. no matter how many times i tell myself that the action is safe, i can't deprogram the fear my conscious mind has for journeying.

i've heard that satanists use an "intellectual decompression chamber" in some of their ceremonies to help them leave behind the conscious thinking self. it is a technique that has been recommended to me and i'm going to give it a try, but i'd love to find a more clever way to release this tense mind-muscle.

i'll let you know how this process develops.

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